A Big, Fat Royal Wedding

We need some Royal news, something big to catch up with the monarchies abroad which are procreating and abdicating at reckless speed. 

How about another wedding?  You remember the last one.  The UK was a better place.  Weeks before the ceremony, the TV showed happy children lining the streets of London, waving little Union Jacks as if the wedding was already here.  Where did those pictures come from?  The children weren’t waiting for Wills and Kate.  Not that far ahead.  I hope not, anyway.  They were waving their little flags at something else.  Whatever it was, some file pictures had been cleverly employed.  It looked like a Royal Wedding.  Perhaps it was.  There has been more than one.  The BBC was misleading us again, but for once it didn’t matter.

Adults were also happy just looking at the range of children, black, white and brown.  Liberals enjoyed the ethnic mix; conservatives, the buzz of Empire.  On the real day, in the Abbey, the camera kept returning to a group of choir boys, a black one, a yellow one and a white one with glasses.  Are you wondering what will happen when their voices break?  You didn't see the men in the stall behind them, white cheeks wedged in like a row of perfect dentures. 

The roads along the route were cleaned up, too, but the wedding wasn’t good for everyone.  Anarchists were arrested and banned from central London.  They had once made jokes about Diana’s death, so it probably served them right.  But what about the squatters, living inoffensively in grand, old buildings, vast and vacant as cathedrals?  They were evicted in a single heap – emptiness is next to godliness – while the libertarians who normally defend them were distracted by the pomp.

Less enchanting than Diana’s, the wedding just reminded us of her.  In the papers, people said the bridesmaid was prettier than the bride.  They weren’t arrested.  We followed the procession on the BBC.  The commentary was so sombre it felt like burying royalty, not marrying it.  People complained.  They weren’t thrown out of London.  They watched the “Big, Fat Gypsy Wedding” on Channel 4 instead.  Channel 4 is very helpful.  It does the same at Xmas.  We get the Alternative Queen’s Message, one year a transvestite from Tooting.  

Another Giant FA Cup

May is a month that shows the importance of winning – exams, football finals and the like. The FA Cup is a favourite of mine, mainly because of its name.  I prefer it with two syllables – FA Cup – although it should be three.

When teachers here mention sport, they talk about the teamwork side of it, not the trophies.  I guess they know that most people are losers, and that children might become dissatisfied, then anti-social, if winning was more important to them than taking part.  Perhaps some teachers really believe what they say.  Perhaps they’re just losers. 

In a primary school assembly last month, the children watched a cartoon entitled Teamwork. They enjoyed it, as children tend to do.  I’m not sure they got the message, though.  I’m not sure I did. 

A dozen little birds were sitting on a wire, feather to feather, looking quite pleased with themselves, as little birds tend to do.  They were all identical.  A much bigger bird flew down and pushed his way into the middle.  He was a different colour and very clumsy.  The wire sagged because of his weight.  The little birds got sick of it.  They started pecking at the big bird’s claws, one by one. This seemed to hurt as he took each claw off the wire as it was pecked.  In the meantime, the wire kept sagging lower and lower.  The big bird now hung upside-down.  He almost touched the ground. Just one big claw was clinging to the wire.  The little birds could see that they were nearly done, so they pecked even harder.  Then two of them raised their beaks and looked at each other.  It was too late. The big bird eased himself onto the ground and removed the final claw, releasing the wire like a giant bowstring.  The little birds shot up into the air so fast that their feathers came off.  A moment later, they plopped back to earth through a cloud of floating feathers.  The big bird sat and watched.  When the little birds realised they were naked, they ran off to hide.

The teacher who was taking the assembly asked the children to comment on what they had seen.  They all said the right thing.  Someone pointed out that it was dangerous to sit on a wire.  The teacher agreed.  An older child said that the little birds were punished for discriminating against the big one because he looked different.  The teacher agreed again.  No one said that the little birds’ teamwork backfired, that revenge feels good, or that bullies win.