Wood v Dunsinane

Thunder. Enter the three Witches.

Sir Alex Ferguson, Sean Connery, Andy Murray.  They’re in the news together.  Weird Sisters – the football coach, the cinema spy and the street-wise version of little Tim Henman – but all successful Scots, for whom being Scottish is the ingredient of success.

With an eye toward the vote on Scottish independence, the two old grandees have been following Murray around the tennis circuit in order to promote brand Scotland.  Young, energetic, victorious, he’s a model for the nation’s youth.  The face of the new Scotland.

So, what’s in the pot?

The language – not Lowland Scots or Gaelic.  Just Murray's foul mouth when he’s losing. Turning the air blue.  Since 2008, the tabloids have punned on his colourful language and the colour of his national flag.  The face of the new Scotland, or at least the mouth.  “I wasn’t praying,” he said after a match.  Christians, cover your ears.  Tartar's lips are in the pot.

The pound – the Scots can’t keep it.  The leaders of the main Westminster parties say so.  You can’t have your pound cake and eat it, too.   It’s independence, warts and all.

The EU – the Scots can’t join it.  The President of the European Commission, Senhor José Manuel Durão Barroso, says so.  He thinks that Spain would block the admission of an independent Scotland as a warning to its own Basque separatists.  If he’s right, if the Scots vote Oui, and the Spaniards vote Naw, there’ll be more tongue of dog in the pot.

Prier pour l’Écosse.  What about some toe of frog?  Damn it, throw the whole leg in, sautéed with garlic.  Then snails in wine, more garlic: Escargots à la Bruxelles.  Be careful not to break the shells.  You can have them for currency when the odour’s gone.