Party animals

A young man was filmed recently in Welwyn Garden City (handsome name) swinging a Chihuahua around his head on the end of a lead.  Yippee!

Britons have mistreated animals for hundreds of years.  The last time the river Thames froze, the BBC tells us, “oxen were roasted in front of roaring fires, drink was liberally taken and dances were held. An elephant was marched across the river alongside Blackfriars Bridge.”  All on the ice.  They wanted to prove how thick it was.  It was extremely thick.

‘Health and safety’ is our mantra now, but we still put animals at risk for the sake of entertainment.  Parties billed as “wild nights out” have been held in London Zoo.  Drunken guests have “crushed butterflies, touched penguins and poured drinks on animals.”  When challenged about his interference with a rare white baboon, one young man replied, “I thought it was my girlfriend.”

Like us, animals can be dangerous.  A car with a family inside caught fire at a safari park.  They had the choice to leave the vehicle and be eaten by lions, or stay there and be burnt to death.  A witness said the lions “didn’t take their eyes off the car for a second.”  Implication: the family with big teeth wanted to eat the family with small teeth.  However, if you put two households side by side, one will often have bigger teeth than the other.  The family in the car might not have looked as scary as the one in the grass, but you never know what’s going on inside a person’s head.

“I give them thirty seconds,” said Daddy Lion.

 

“No,” said Mummy Lion. “They’ll last longer.  Are you hungry?”

Baby Lion asked, “Why don’t they get out of the car, Mummy?”

If you always think badly of a certain animal or person, it’s easy to mistreat them.  The vegetable kingdom is also mightily abused.  A man has pushed a Brussel sprout to the top of Mt Snowden.  He said he “selected a large sprout so it would not fall down a crevice in the rock.”  The safety of the sprout was the most important thing.  Remember now.  The crevices on Mt Snowden are all narrower than a large sprout.  No need to push a pumpkin up there, or a tree.

Pity the sprout, and the dung beetle.  It heaves a ball of dung that’s bigger than itself.  In London, office managers do much the same thing – push lumps of shit around all day.  However, we are now told that dung beetles get extra-terrestrial help.  Research has shown that they are guided by the stars.  Scientists “put little cardboard hats on the beetles’ heads, blocking their view of the sky.  Those beetles just rolled around and around aimlessly.”  Sounds like my graduation party.

I wasn’t fair on Brussels Man, either.  I didn’t tell you that he pushed the sprout up Mt Snowden with his nose.  He was worse off than a beetle.  They use their legs.  I’m beginning to side with humans again. Let’s get this ball of dung back on the road.

At the safari park, the car was still burning.

“Maybe they don’t know it’s on fire,” Baby Lion suggested.  “We should tell them.”

Mummy Lion shook her head.  “No, darling.  It’s not safe.  We don’t like fire any more than people do.”

Baby Lion looked at her intelligently.  Mummy Lion went on, “We’ll just wait here until they get out of the car.  Then we’ll eat them.”